Many a time, I’ve asked myself where I’d gone — as it’s been just short of one complete cycle around the sun since you’ve heard from me. Often I’d find myself sat down and halfway through a thought, only to cease for lack of words. I pride myself for writing when I’m inspired, so I didn’t want to leave you with anything less than myself.
For six years and counting, I’d shared my art with the world, my words as my medium. You and I, we’re acquaintances now, in the least – so it’s no secret to you that I’m a romantic, moreso a dreamer. I find solace in the uncertainty that everything happens for a reason – and that timing has its purpose. It’s perfect purpose, which may be unbeknownst to us in the moment.
I type excitedly on my keyboard, one year since I’d last written to you, trying to convey to you where I’d been and why I’d stay away so long. I want to share with you all that I’ve learned – and all that’s brought me to where I am today. Throughout 2019 I realised that there’s a comfort, and for me even a confidence, in sharing your vulnerability. There’s a catharsis associated with letting go of your vexations.
The last you’d heard of me was in 2018, in a portrait of Paris at daybreak — where often I’d revisit and wish I’d have been able to have stayed there. A picturesque moment in time where all else – all worries, all responsibility – were departed. With the serenity of every empty footpath, my footsteps impressing on the fallen leaves, their crinkle the only sound besides the wind as it whistles. I’d dream of the half-moon as it’d hover at the fringes of the skyline, its silhouette fading with the flicker of the stars. I’d cling to this moment in time – this romantic painting I’d drawn of my life over the past few months, living in Paris.
Upon my arrival back in the states, I started a new role in a new city and soon found myself realizing I was unhappy and unexcited with my work. Admittedly for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel inspired or stimulated by my surroundings to evolve – something that I value so deeply. I had felt that I had lost my brilliance, which had been shining so brightly just months prior. And just as I said, I pride myself on the fact that I only write when I’m inspired, so I didn’t want you to see anything less. So, I stayed away from writing anything new.
And finally, in the twelfth hour of 2018, I lost someone dear to me – and I fell numb to the loss, unsure of how to process it. I felt betrayed that something could change so quickly and I struggled to understand how and why I could lose something so certain. I experienced my family weather through pain, leaning on each other as pillars for support. Words of comfort were exchanged over the trill of the telephone, traveling thousands of miles from coast to coast.
But through all of this, there was one thing I held constant: my faith. Moreso, faith in myself, faith in my purpose, and faith in God. I held on to this faith in the fact that whatever I’m brought to, I will be able to overcome. And reassurance that this too, will pass. I believe that time is a restorer of all imbalance, and when combined with faith, a healer for the soul.
And it was. This faith carried me through the pivotal moments within 2018 and brought me to where I am today. As my 2019 chapter approaches its close, I look back fondly at my fortitude and all that I overcame since what felt like a momentary cloudiness of my happiness. I realise this year was an incredible year for my self growth. I started a new role, one where I’m challenged and am given the reigns to direct control. I joined a fitness studio and feel healthier every day. I’ve traveled to new geographies, and revisited those footpaths which I’ll always hold dear in my heart. I feel happy and excited by my potential. I’m fully confident in myself, and I’m fully charged for 2020. And yes, I have a hundred drafts just waiting to be written.
But I didn’t reach this place alone, I did it with my faith. And when I say faith – it doesn’t have to mean one definite thing. We all set our own definitions of faith. But what enables our faith to harness a power is the resilience we embed in ourselves. Faith is belief. Faith is acceptance of the now and not settling for what we’re given, rather striving for what we think we deserve. Faith is perseverance. Faith is confidence and conviction. Faith is hope. And for me, faith is also loyalty.
I look with anticipation to the pleasure ahead in 2020, and to see where my faith will take me.